Resilience, part 2.
I was so blown away by all your feedback last week, and really grateful for those of you who responded to the questions I posted. I know that the topic of resilience is interesting (possibly confounding) to many of us on a normal day, but given the state of the world and how this year is going, I think it’s even more important now than ever.
Last week's email was essentially about how much energy it takes to try and force ourselves to be different to who we are. How trying to fight against the natural flow of energy that comes from our deep selves is exhausting.
This week, is about how our deepest self is a source of nourishment, connection and energy, and that when we block it, are ashamed of it, or hide it, we are also blocking this wellspring. Our resilience is as strong as our connection to this part of ourselves.
So, onward, or should I say, inward…
(Ps. If this topic interests you, both the topic of resilience and that of your true self, then stay tuned, because Rosalee and I are opening our course, Building Resilience in a few days, and this is such a huge part of what the course is about!)
Contents:
1. Your Core self.
2. How to find your core.
3. Herbs that can help strengthen this connection.
1. Your core self.
If you haven’t read last week’s email, I’d recommend starting there, as this one will make a lot more sense with context. You can read that HERE.
As I mentioned last week, with the example of the boat, resilience is the ability to stay on course, even if the waves are big and the winds are strong and your crew are all throwing up over the sides of the ship. It is about not getting turned around (having a strong rudder), not getting knocked over (having a deep keel), and having the ability to not toss your lunch (eyes on the horizon). It’s also important to know where you’re going (have a compass setting to follow). All of these things contribute to this overall picture of resilience.
To approach resilience as a one-size-fits-all type thing (take these herbs and supplements so that you can tolerate more stress!) is harmful on two levels:
-For the, oh, 90% of us who do not fit into the specific parameters that the old resilience model is written for, approaching resilience in this way can exhaust us more, by simply increasing the aspects of ourselves that have driven us to exhaustion in the first place.
-It eliminates the important aspect of our own stories, struggles, and uniqueness. It’s not about creating a resilience that looks like every ‘top performer’ out there. It’s about creating your OWN resilience, and learning what that feels like inside you.
Last week I gave you a simple exercise to shift your relationship with your own resilience. The goal of that was to help you see your own strengths and the things that nourish you in a different framework: instead of seeing yourself relative to the ideal model of a human, in an imbalanced society, your point of reference for how ‘good’ or how ‘energetic’ you are can start to shift back to yourself.
To go back to the boat analogy, because I like it, every single boat is different, and every single boat has a different driving force and motivation. Each boat is heading in a different direction, on a different length journey. And, there are all kinds of boats. There are boats that are made, for example, to push through ice, and others that are perfect for shallow waters. There are boats that thrive in tough ocean conditions, and others that are really at their best on a small lake with minimal winds. There are speed boats and sail boats and boats that exist to meander lazily down rivers in pleasure.
The old resilience model teaches us that all boats should be a similar kind of boat: basically an ocean-going vessel that can move quickly and efficiently, and withstand waves, and transport a lot of stuff. Imagine if you were a pleasure craft, with a water wheel attached to your bum, built for meandering down a river, and you were stuck out on an ocean and told to sail around the world, quickly, with a bunch of stuff on your back. A. You’d panic. B. You’d probably not make it very far. C. You might wonder what is wrong with you that you can’t do this thing that’s expected of you, that all the boats around you seem to be able to do.
Here’s the good news: it’s *NOT* that everyone around you seems to be able to do it. It’s just that the only people you see able to do it are the ones who thrive on the ocean. The rest of us, uh, boats, have sunk, or are at home crying. Or resting. Or panicking about our own upcoming ocean voyages.
So anyway. When you see that you are not a broken boat, but simply a boat trying to set out onto waters that you’re not built for, your relationship to resilience can change. When you realise that there’s nothing WRONG with not being an ocean-voyaging ship, then you have the freedom to start seeing what kind of ship you actually are. In doing this, you can see where you thrive, where you are at your best, and where you can feel like you’re able to be a part of things, instead of where you’re simply not measuring up to other boats.
That’s part 1 summarized.
Part 2 is this:
You are as resilient as your connection to your deepest core self.
I’m sticking with the boat analogy, because it works.
The keel of the boat is the part that sticks out the bottom, like this:
It keeps the boat stable, and upright, and stops it from being blown sideways when the winds are heavy.
In our resilience analogy, the keel would be the deepest part of you: the core of who you are.
In boat-making, the keel is built before anything else, and in us, it is similar: our core is the deepest, oldest, and most US, part of us. The rest of us is constructed on top of this core, and is determined by the shape of our core.
In some cultures, the core self is considered the eternal self, or the spirit that comes through to inhabit the bodies we live in. This spirit is ancient, and wise, and has a purpose. Our wants, desires, interests, capacity, pace, talents—all of the things that we talked about last week— are expressions of a this core part of yourself.
So many of us grow up thinking of ourselves as wrong, or broken somehow. That, in and of itself is terrible, but the side effect of this is even more tragic. Because we think of ourselves as broken, we start to try to hide our true selves from the world. Or, perhaps we even start to hate them and wish they were different.
As a result of this, many of us learn, at an early age, to hide ourselves, and block our natural core energy from expressing. Our desires become bad. Our own natural pace becomes wrong. Our shininess becomes ‘too much’.
The reasons for this are an important part of our individual stories, but they don’t actually matter as much as the result: our Core is our connection to the wellspring of support, vitality and nourishment that keeps us upright and reminds us that we are bigger than what is happening. When we block it, we essentially cut ourselves off from being able to access this wellspring.
Worse, after years of blocking it off, we start to forget that it even exists. Or start to fear what it under there, thinking that perhaps there’s something deeply wrong with us.
-How many of us fear that if we were to look inside we’d find something terribly wrong?
-How many of us carry guilt and shame for things that don’t even exist, or weren’t even ours to begin with?
When we block our core, then it can’t do its job.
Then, life (the ocean) starts tossing us around, and we start to wonder why we are so alone, why we have no support.
When we have a connection to our deep core self, however, we have a connection to the flow of energy that is the greater universe. It is through our core selves that we connect to others, and allow others in. Through our core selves we have a strong sense of who we are and what we are here for.
When we allow our Core energy to shine, big waves can be coming at us, the winds can be flying, we might have to strap ourselves in to not be thrown overboard, but we know that we won’t be knocked over, because we have this giant heavy weight connecting us to the larger flow of energy, love and nourishment in the world.
When you learn to reconnect with your deepest self, you have this deep anchoring presence in your life that reminds you what you’re here for, that you’re not alone, and that you’re safe. When life gets hectic, stressful, or downright miserable, this deep self is a nurturing reminder that you are going to be ok, that you have options, that you can adapt and change and work with the current circumstances, and that whatever this stressor is will not swallow you whole.
Read on for ‘how’…
2. How to find it?
Our connection to our core, and the wisdom that comes from it, is innate.
The natural flow of connection, support, nourishment, and joy that flows from our deepest selves is also innate.
We do, however, have lives, belief structures, personal history, oppressive structures, Overculture. We have so many reasons for covering up, and then forgetting about, our core energy: all of the layers that we build up to protect ourselves from being seen. These layers, while protective, also prevent us from finding the deeper connection to our core. ALL of us have these layers that make it hard to hear ourselves, and all of us want to be able to feel a connection to our deep core self, so how do we do that?
Well… I think a part of the reason that more people don’t do it is that it’s actually remarkably easy. And in a culture where we thrive on Hero stories with great epic battles and overcoming things against all odds, being told that you’re on the right path when you’re *not* fighting yourself can feel incredibly anti-climactic (what do you mean there’s no monster inside me that I need to do battle with and almost die before emerging triumphant and finally perfect?!).
In fact, it’s so easy that you already started last week, by starting to look honestly at who you actually are and what your skills are.
Here’s the key: Your innate qualities are an expression of your core self. The more that the expression of your core self is nourished, nurtured and encouraged, the stronger your connection to it grows.
The qualities, skills, interests, wants and desires that come from your deepest self are expressions of that core into the world. Your pace. Your taste. Your talents. Your perspective. Your loves. The colours that light you up, the fabrics that feel good on your skin, the music you love, the way you dance, the way your voice sounds when it comes from your heart. All of these things are areas where your deep core self is freely expressed into the world.
The more you can feel appreciation for the expressions of your core, nourish them, express and nurture them, and learn to love them, then the more of a connection you develop with your core self. The more you can see it for what it is, instead of comparing it, the stronger that connection grows.
Sometimes this can be hard: we might want really badly to be a different way, or we might see things in ourselves that we truly think of as unacceptable, or not good enough. If it helps, think of yourself as you would a child, or animal who you love a great deal, and how easy it is to see a child dancing and simply love it (or to watch your favourite pet off doing their own thing being entirely themselves). Like, you’re not going to watch a 3-year old spin around with her eyes closed singing along to a song she loves and take comparison notes against Beyonce, right? You’re just going to watch and let your heart feel all gooey and touched by the freedom of their self-expression. You get to have that kind of unconditional acceptance too.
Comparison kills the connection.
We are constantly weighing our own qualities in reference to other people and their qualities. It’s one of the ways that we learned to determine self-worth: are you a winner? Are you the best? And even when we know we aren’t the best, or a winner, we say things like ‘well at least I’m not as bad as so-and-so over there’, in order to bolster our sense of self-worth.
A model like this is always going to be based on a hierarchy of qualities that involve the idea of some people being better and some worse. Winners and losers. Those who have and those who do not. It means that, once again, we are in competition for resources, because only some of us get to have self-worth, and its at the expense of others.
I can’t think of a delicate way to say this, so I’m just going to say it: this kind of worldview is utter bullshit. In constantly trying to be more than other people, in order to get the self-worth we need to feel good about ourselves, we stop trusting each other, stop letting ourselves be seen, and stop accepting our selves exactly as they are.
A hierarchy is not a structure that permits universal access. And universal access to worthiness is a natural state for all of us.
It doesn’t matter what you’re good at, or where your skills, talents, desires, wants, and expressions lie in comparison to other peoples’. It doesn’t even matter if you are the best at them--my singing voice sounds like a raven chewing river rocks for what its worth but who doesn't love driving with the windows down and singing as loud as possible?!. It only matters that it lights you up when you express it. These things that come from your deepest self, they feel SO good. They feel good when you do them, because it feels like you’re doing something that’s *you*. Often, they are things we’re actually good at, but sometimes, we can be good at things that don’t light us up inside— talent isn’t an indicator for your core being expressed, the indicator is how it feels from within.
So this week, I’d like you to go back over that list of things you wrote last week, and then, come back and answer these questions:
-What lights me up and gives me wiggles of cellular joy?
-What textures light me up inside?
-What flavours?
-What environments?
-What music?
-Which people?
-What work?
-What kind of conversations?
-What kind of books?
-What kinds of posts in social media?
Pay attention to your answers, and see if there are any answers that are in contrast to what your *mind* would want it to be.
Over the next few days, keep these questions in your mind, and pay attention to how you feel. If you can (like, don’t skip any important responsibilities or anything), simply… do more of these things that give you the wiggles, or find ways to incorporate the wiggly things into your responsibilities. Focus on them more. See if for a few days, or even ONE day, you can let those wiggles of joy be your guide through life.
No wiggles? We’re all different and I’m a really, uh, volatile and expressive person, so what to me comes out in full body wiggles might to you feel like an inner smile. The key here is that it feels good, deep inside, not because your brain thinks you’re doing something right, but because it makes your heart happy. If it’s hard to find anything, then close your eyes and think of a person (a small child is usually easiest) or an animal who you reallyreallyreally love, and then use *that* feeling as your inner guide.
A deeper connection doesn’t come from one giant earth-shaking moment, but from a series of days, months, years, of learning to feel how your inner being feels, and learning to follow it. This is a really good place to start. It’s not heroic, and it’s not an epic adventure. There are no monsters to defeat, and no great explosions. In fact, its so un-dramatic that it might feel insignificant. But it’s not insignificant at all. The rebellion starts here, and is soft, and shimmering.
3. Herbs that can help strengthen this core connection.
When thinking about plants that help strengthen your connection to your core, there are two main plants that come to mind for me: hawthorn, and devil's club.
Oplopanax horridus // devil's club
Oplopanax is one of those plants that draws reverence from herbalists.
One of the reasons I think oplopanax is so incredibly powerful is that it's connection in our energy is to our deepest sense of who we are-- the part of ourself that has no words to describe it, but just *is*. It's the us when we were born, the us that is free of constraint and 'shoulds' and trauma and fear. It's our past and our potential, all wrapped into one. That part of ourselves is always there, but for most people it's buried quite deeply. It's an energy that exists deep at our core, and emerges from our ancestry and our blood, and it blossoms in our chests, driving us forward even if we can no longer feel or hear it speaking to us. Devil's club connects us to that part of ourselves.
One of the nice side effects of this connection is that things can no longer hurt us as much. It strengthens our resilience in this way, by giving us a perspective that comes from connection to our own timelessness.
Crataegus spp. // Hawthorn
Protector of the heart, protector of the faerie realm, which in our own psyches is the tender young part of ourselves that still sees the world with innocence and possibility. Hawthorn wraps itself around this like a protective shield allowing it to blossom again. Hawthorn's thorns are hard and sharp, sticking out at (at least what feels like) random angles to catch you unawares. It's interesting to me that these plants that are so so easy to love are the ones that protect themselves so well-- my first instinct with all of them is to fling myself on them and hug them, and yet you can't do that at all. I have tried it with a big pile of hawthorn twigs and leaves and flowers, and, well it hurts. One of the things you learn is that you can experience something just by hanging with it, being near it-- you don't need to fling yourself on it and try to hug the daylights out of it. For those of us who sometimes lack boundaries, this is an important lesson, and it's a lesson that hawthorn especially can teach us well: to experience something deeply you don't need to lose yourself, but actually to inhabit yourself more fully.
How does hawthorn help us soften? It does so by strengthening the parts that burn brightly through the darkness. That is, hawthorn affects the core of who we are, our hearts, not just physical but that little spark of awareness that was you before you knew what an 'I' was. Hawthorn wraps itself around it like a protective shield, whispering things like 'you've got this' and 'you can fall apart now I'll hold you up' and 'a little restructuring is ok but we'll hold it together here' and for those of us who are afraid to soften, afraid that to let go a little bit means the entire world will cave in or fall down, or rush in like a deluge, hawthorn is the beacon in the storm.