Triggered? This can help.
Contents:
1. What to do when you’re feeling raw and wounded
2. The GAME PLAN (tm)
3. Herbs that can help when you're feeling emotionally raw
4. An exercise
1. What to do when you’re feeling raw and wounded
Sometimes, shite things happen. We get in an argument with someone, or we’re exposed to something that makes us feel crappy, or we’re feeling especially tender and then a situation happens that leaves us feeling emotionally beaten up, and we can’t get our minds to stop playing it over and over again. Sometimes, even worse, these things remind us of bad things that have happened in the past, and sometimes we find it hard to separate the two.
Our natural tendency in a situation like this is to think about it over and over. Maybe call people to talk about it. If we are aware of a similarity to past events we might even be tempted to think about BOTH events over and over, or pick at it, or figure it out, understand it. Solve it.
(Conversely, we might want to ignore it completely, pretend it didn’t happen. Put a smile on our faces, go out with friends, get an ulcer, develop hip pain, ALL IS WELL *smile/grimace*.)
But I don’t think that either of these routes is the best way to deal with emotional tenderness.
Emotional wounds are lot like a physical wound:
At first, you need to wash it out and make sure its not infected, but then after that, apart from applying healing stuff (HERBS OBVS), you leave it alone. Let it heal. Let it itch. And whatever you do, do not pick at it, stick your fingers in it, or keep digging to figure out where the blood is coming from.
Emotional wounds are like this too. An initial wound-cleansing (cry, rage, call a friend or in my case 8), but then, leave. It. Alone. (Conversely, to try and ignore it when our bodies are FEELING SOMETHING is to let the wound fester without care. Who wants a festering wound? NOT ME!).
There’s a third way. And its actually the most easy, gentle and kind, both to ourselves and the people around us. And, I see it work, over and over again, both to re-route the emotional rawness into something that feels much better, but also to just move on as quickly as possible.
What’s this third way?
The best thing you can do for yourself when you’re feeling shitty (be it, emotionally or physically) is to do something that feels good. Not good to your brain that wants you to get back to being productive, but your deep, emotional self, who feels like a wounded 3-year old. What does that part of you need to feel better?
I have a friend who’s ‘something shitty happened’ MO is to get into bed with an entire loaf of warm garlic bread and watch romantic movies unti they feel better.
My favourite thing to do is download a really, really cheesy book (vampires and werewolves will do), run a hot salt bath, and lie in it until I’m a prune, then go to bed and lie there until I feel better (or sometimes I’ll get up and go for a long slow walk).
More examples are: reading, watching TV, resting, hiking, dancing, video games, cuddling with your dogs, eating chocolate.
"What?" You’re thinking, "that can’t be it. Surely there’s a magic thing. An exercise, or something I have to do that’s difficult… a trial. An epic battle! A LONG ODYSSEY!"
Nope. Just do something that feels good, and don’t think about what happened, don’t talk about what happened (but don’t pretend it didn’t happen), divert your attention away, whenever you start despairing, and do things that feel good until you feel better. I know it’s hard to imagine that something that seems so difficult, and like it *should* be an epic struggle can come easily, but I promise it can. As long as you just stay gentle and kind with yourself.
There’s actually scientific evidence to support this, too. Neuroscientifically speaking*, when you continuously reinforce a trauma pattern in the brain, by thinking about it, or inspecting it, or digging at it (or calling everyone you know to talk about it which is TOTALLY not something I love doing *whistles*), it actually 1. Makes you feel as though you are back there over and over again, and 2. Makes the feedback loop stronger each time you think about it.
Along the same line of thinking, doing things that feel good, starts a new pattern. It is saying to your body (and that inner 3 year old) that you are safe, and all is well. It starts to create a new connection in the brain, which changes the way we perceive the world around us, and ourselves. We are taught in society to think that our emotional state is an arbitrary thing that happens to us, when in actuality, it is the result of a thousand thoughts happening all at once. If we can change our thoughts, then the overriding emotional state can change too.
It might not be the easiest in terms of habit, but it is the most gentle, and far more effective than just digging in, and reminding ourselves of what happened over and over again.
Read on below, for herbs that can help, and for a bullet-pointed game plan so you have a step-by-step for when you need it.
*Apologies, I cannot remember sources; have read too many neuroscience-related books over the last few months and can’t remember specifically which ones talked about it. Possibly this one, or possibly this one.
2. The GAME PLAN (tm)
Here’s your (possibly counter-intuitive) emotionally raw and wounded game plan.
1. Start where you are. Acknowledge that you are feeling raw, and wounded, and tender. Try, if you can, to acknowledge it, without repeating it over and over in your head. Like, allow the feeling, fully in your body, allow it to flow, and if you need, to move, but there’s no need to cling to it, or to repeat things in your brain.
2. Ask your deepest self what you need. Dig deep and be honest. Sometimes the response is very clear (a blanket fort, to hide up a tree, ice cream), and sometimes its more diffuse, like an emotion. Like comfort,or security, or to feel safe.
3. Find a way to give this to yourself. You might have to get creative— if for example you want a parent but your parent is no longer here (ask someone with similar energy for a good proper hug?), or if you want alone time but have small children who you can’t just abandon (invite them into the blanket fort and pretend you’re reinforcing it and making it safe against invaders?). Find a way to give yourself some form of what it is your deepest self needs, even if its not the absolute ideal (see below meditation for more on how to get what you need emotionally).
4. Do not think about what happened. If you need to tell a close friend who can help you detach, or work through it in a different way, do so, but don’t call everyone you know and keep talking about it. I know the tendency is to want to play it on repeat in your head, and maybe even any earlier events that relate to it, but do your very best not to. Distract yourself by watching things that make you feel good.
5. Whenever you start to focus on what happened, do the ‘good things’ meditation mentioned below.
6. Repeat as needed until you feel better.
7. Extra: trust. Trust that you are whole, and complete, and capable. Trust that you are beautiful, and perfect, and allowed to take a day or two to feel better. Trust that there is nothing in the world wrong with you.
Now, I know that some of this feels totally counter-intuitive. But try it. You’ll notice that it’s so much easier, in a way, to do things that feel good. It doesn’t feel like ‘hard work’ or ‘being brave’ or ‘sucking it up’ or ‘facing your demons’ but it doesn’t need to be. 'Triggered' emotional states are not emotional states that need worked through*, they just need re-routed into comfort and safety again.
*I am 100% for working through things that are actually productive to our psyches to work through.
3. Herbs for times when you’re feeling a little emotionally raw/ wounded.
Rose // Rosa spp.
(surprise surprise)
Rose is my all-time favourite boundary/compassion herb. And when it comes to interacting with others and managing the swirling mass of emotions out there in the world, we need both boundaries and compassion. I always picture that gorgeous, soft, open flower, releasing its scent into the world (which apparently jim mcdonald hates but that is HIS BAG OF POO), while utterly protected by its thorns. And those thorns? They’re not sticking a mile out. They’re not the first thing you see when you get close to a rose patch, in fact, the scent is so enticing (*glares at jim*) that you probably find yourself face-deep in a patch of wild roses before you notice you’re being stabbed (I picture the rose saying ‘back away slowly and sniff from a safe distance, dude’).
Rose, quite simply, softens us. The world is full of people who try to make themselves harder, tougher, faster, more driven, focused, and direct. All of this trying comes from a sort of tension— we tense ourselves as if to do battle daily, and to protect our soft hearts from the onslaughts of the world around us. Rose softens the tension that we hold to protect ourselves, but because its clever, it doesn’t leave us without our own thorns of defence.
Its astringency tightens tissues, and it does this on a tissue-based level, but it also does so on a grand scale, to our *energy* as a whole, which means that as we’re softening, we’re also tightening up, starting to be able to tell where we end and the world around us begins. It’s not a hard wall of a boundary, but astringency leads to better filtration. We become much more capable of knowing who we are and as a result, where our boundaries are. Softening and strengthening, relaxing and tightening, the most beautiful soft petals and sensual scent, and those thorns that will cut you without second thought.
Read more: Kiva's article
Found in: Wild rose elixir, Ocotillo + Wild rose incense, wild rose & sandalwood body oil, wild rose & sandalwood bath soak
Tilia spp. // Linden
My friend Traci, owner of Simples tonics, calls linden ‘the hug’ and that’s exactly how it feels to me too. A cooling, moistening, relaxing nervine that feels like a hug from within. When overly tense, overly anxious, and overly stressed, linden is an incredible soothing nerve tonic that calms the mental frazzle, and soothes the impulse to want to jump at every sound, or protect ourselves from every perceived threat.
Leonurus cardiaca// Motherwort
Deeply grounding, bitter, and nourishing to both the physical and emotional heart, motherwort, in times of deep emotional rawness, is a lifesaver. It regulates the heartbeat, and calms palpitations, while deeply grounding the energy back into the body, which is SO helpful when experiencing a state of bodily fear or anxiousness. Where Tilia is a hug from within, motherwort feels like being wrapped up from outside ourselves, in the arms of an unconditional loving mother figure, and can be incredibly healing to those who have troubled, or traumatic mother relationships, to re-route the ‘mother’ pathway in the body to something grounding, calming, immensely nurturing and full of unconditional love.
Get some of the best motherwort tincture I've ever had, here.
Avena spp // Milky oat:
Milky oat, gathered in the spring is one of my favourite herbs for stress. For frazzled nerves, and feeling like everything is grating on you, like everything is too much, milky oat soothes, relaxes and strengthens. Gentle and powerful, like water in a way. Both are soothing and comforting, relaxing and calming, and yet, still humming with power. Milky oat energy is deep, lasting, sustained and long-term: its force is that of a wave lapping against a rock face, diligently, patiently, with a long-term perspective. Gentle and powerful, like water in a way. Both are soothing and comforting, relaxing and calming, and yet, still humming with power. Milky oat energy is deep, lasting, sustained and long-term: its force is that of a wave lapping against a rock face, diligently, patiently, with a long-term perspective. With the quick-lived oat plant, its medicine is in its seed; in its DNA, where it knows its short life will not have enough energy to affect much but that continuation of seed energy will, over time and life cycles, affect an entire ecosystem. Intelligence, and patience. The seed energy is that of patience, persistance, remaining.Oat seed is used traditionally as a nerve ‘tonic’ to restore frayed, frazzled, burned out nervous systems. It’s one of my favourite plants, and one I take every day (with ashwagandha and wild rose), and I notice MASSIVE changes in my energy levels and stress tolerance from taking it. But its more than that, on a deep level I think that the energy of intelligence and patience affects us, unravels inside us, and teaches us something about our perception of time. From that of a thing with a quick life-cycle, we learn how to affect something much bigger than ourselves. With oat seed, we can move through life in a place that's more relaxed and more receptive to the world around us.
Read more: Kiva's article
Found in: Deep Roots Soaking Salts , Milky oat and ashwagandha restorative.
Scutellaria spp // skullcap
I have a funny story about skullcap. I was gathering it, up in the mountains, miles from my car, when all of a sudden I heard a loud rattling noise. It sounded like it was coming from right beneath me. And, like any person out in the wild hearing rattling, I freaked out. You're supposed to stay still, supposedly, and find where the noise is coming from. I'm way too skittish for that. I jumped about 6 feet and ran. And would you believe it the rattling noise was following me as fast as I was running. And after about 6 seconds (which felt like FOREVER) music started. The rattling was the beginning of a song; my phone, in my pocket, had started playing music.
You guys, I was so freaked, I was shaking afterwards. All these images of people being blissful, gathering happily in nature? Not me. Every sound scared me. My hands were shaking. I'd basically had a full adrenaline dump and then had to deal with it. Had I known what I know now, I'd have gone for a run, but I didn't, so I reached into my bag, and picked out a skullcap leaf, and started nibbling on it. Within a minute, my perception had gone from that narrow-focused 'everything is trying to kill me' place to... nice. More relaxed, more open, more expansive. More connected. Skullcap is a calming, sedating, but most importantly, it's what's known as a trophorestorative. That means, basically, that it rebuilds something (in this case, the nerves) from within, both relaxing interfering tension and allowing the nervous system to learn to regulate its responses to situations. When we're super stressed and it's a long-term constant grind on our nervous systems, skullcap is an absolutely brilliant ally, not only to get us through, but to help rebuild, and sustain.
Cannabis.
A close friend who is very focused and driven described cannabis to me in this way: 'I can understand why someone who's incredibly open and sensitive might not enjoy the feeling of being high because it makes them even more open in that regard, but because I'm so hyper-focused all the time, having a smoke relaxes me in such a profound way that it allows me to access creative parts of myself that I don't have access to when I'm in my normal, driven, focused state'. And I think that describes it perfectly. I know that there are plenty of people who believe that cannabis is right for everyone (just as people believe that coffee is right for everyone!), but it's not. We're all different and some people don't enjoy having their mental state altered so dramatically (I for one, have panic attacks and hallucinate, neither of which are remotely fun), but for some people who tend to be tense and hyper-focused on things, a little cannabis (we're talking a small amount not 'Half Baked') can take that hard edge off and make a massive difference. There's also something to be said for actively and consciously choosing a slight numbing, not as an escape from reality, but in allowing your body to relax and think about other things, while you trust that it will get back to a state of calm and safety on its own.
Passiflora spp. // Passionflower
The thinking too much thing can be really helped by passionflower. Over-thinking, or thinking about a topic on repeat can be an issue that keeps the earth person up at night, especially if its a problem that they can't find the right solution for, or some kind of global issue that they can't actually act on but they're hyper-focusing on. Passiflora stops the thought-cycles enough to allow a little sleep.
found in: California poppy sleep elixir
Hawthorn // Crataegus spp.
Heart-friend and support for the grief state, hawthorn is like the hug you receive when you've been holding yourself together, feeling alone and unstable, that finally allows you to let yourself fall apart. When you have to go in and delve into the deepest, darkest parts of yourself, hawthorn is a supportive anchor saying 'You've got this; I won't let you fall apart completely'.
How it does this, I have no idea, but I have an analogy that I like. When we fall apart due to grief, it's like most of our entirety gets swept away in a tsunami of it. It swallows us, breaks us into pieces, dashes us against the rocks, and washes us up on the shore, battered and broken. But as we're being pulled to pieces, there's always that constant thrum in the background that's 'you' there. I mean, it's the constant that most of us aren't even aware of because we're so caught up with the surface stuff (I am my job, I am what I wear, I am my reactions, I am my gender, I am my sexuality, I am gay/straight/poly/queer/neurodivergent/cis/trans/alawyer/adoctor/adeskjockey/acashier/ajock/anartist/aniceperson/abadperson/lonely/confident/cool/aplantperson/rich/poor/inarelationship/loved/etcetcetc.) Except, if we were to chip away at every single self-identifier we have, we'd still be there, still exist, still be *us*. When our lives fall apart, either in grand explosive fashion or in little pieces, and when WE fall apart as a result, that nugget of 'us' at the center of our being remains constant. And it's that nugget of 'us'ness that hawthorn connects to and strengthens, so that the rest of us can fall to pieces around it. If our entire being was a map and the 'you are here' sign moved around on said map depending on how we feel on any given day, hawthorn points to the land itself so that the lines on the paper can dissolve and rearrange themselves.
Protector of the heart, protector of the faerie realm, which in our own psyches is the tender young part of ourselves that still sees the world with innocence and possibility. Hawthorn wraps itself around this like a protective shield allowing it to blossom again. Hawthorn's thorns are hard and sharp, sticking out at (at least what feels like) random angles to catch you unawares. It's interesting to me that these plants that are so so easy to love are the ones that protect themselves so well-- my first instinct with all of them is to fling myself on them and hug them, and yet you can't do that at all. I have tried it with a big pile of hawthorn twigs and leaves and flowers, and, well it hurts. One of the things you learn is that you can experience something just by hanging with it, being near it-- you don't need to fling yourself on it and try to hug the daylights out of it. For those of us who sometimes lack boundaries, this is an important lesson, and it's a lesson that hawthorn especially can teach us well: to experience something deeply you don't need to lose yourself, but actually to inhabit yourself more fully.
Hawthorn helps us soften by strengthening the parts that burn brightly through the darkness. That is, hawthorn affects the core of who we are, our hearts, not just physical but that little spark of awareness that was you before you knew what an 'I' was. Hawthorn wraps itself around it like a protective shield, whispering things like 'you've got this' and 'you can fall apart now I'll hold you up' and 'a little restructuring is ok but we'll hold it together here' and for those of us who are afraid to soften, afraid that to let go a little bit means the entire world will cave in or fall down, or rush in like a deluge, hawthorn is the beacon in the storm.
Read more about hawthorn: Sean Donahue's article
Found in: Heart + Happy, Deep forest tea, deep forest soak
4. An exercise
A gratitude practice is an exercise in shifting awareness.
Sit or lie somewhere quiet and close your eyes. Breathe deeply and feel the air entering and leaving your lungs. Feel your body expanding and contracting with those breaths.
Now place your hand over your heart and think of a time in the past when you felt happy and safe. It can be something simple, a fleeting moment. It can be in the presence of a person, or completely alone. It could be something you have no recollection of, ever, in which case, find something close: the best you’ve ever felt.
Now, feel that time. Think about all the details: the colours, the smells, the sounds, who was there. And allow yourself to sink into the memory until you’re feeling how you felt then. Feel this feeling, and how it comes from your body, from your chest, and radiates outwards. It’s a warmth, a radiance, that comes from your center and spreads out. And allow yourself to feel gratitude for that time. And wrap yourself up in the feeling like it’s a feather duvet.
Do this for a minute or so.
Next, pick another thing, and repeat the process: feel the gratitude and goodness in your body, radiating out from your center. Once again, do this for a minute.
Now, pick one more thing, and do this again, once again feeling the good safe beauty in your body, and letting it radiate from your heart.
When you are done, press your hand to your heart, and take 3 deep breaths, and *seal* that feeling in your body.
(If you cannot physically give yourself the thing you need, then add an extra step:
Imagine that you are giving yourself the thing you need. Imagine it, and the feeling, and the smells, and tastes, and sounds. Imagine how the situation feels on your skin, and emotionally. And imagine it so well that you start to feel as though you’re there. Offer that to the part of yourself that needs it, and let it spread throughout your body.
When you are done, press your hand to your heart, and take 3 deep breaths, and *seal* that feeling in your body. )